Sunday, December 03, 2006

Speak the Language

Reacting to a proposal to make Nashville "English only," CM Edwards takes the logic a step further: why should it not apply to those outsiders who just come to buy country homes and impose their values on the good people of Tennessee:
Let's look at this from the other end of the spectrum. What about all the D.C. commuters who are taking over the eastern panhandle 'cause they want to work and spend all their money in the city, but live in the country? What about Terrapin Run in western Maryland and Michael Carnock's attempt to turn beautiful Appalachian country into a suburb for commuters? And what about all those people from places like New York City and California who have so much money on their hands they feel the need to buy summer homes in the Appalachian region to get away from whatever hectic area of the country where they reside for a couple weeks out of the year. We don't have much in common with these folks; which is fine. But what makes them so much more special than some hard-workin' folks from south of the Rio Grande?

Perhaps Appalachia should require all outlanders including those from New England, New Jersey, and out west to speak our language before they move or buy a home here. Therefore, I propose that they take a written exam proving that they've taken the time to learn our language before they come here- just like some assholes want to do to Latin American people and other immigrants; otherwise they should either stay where they are or take a two year Hillbillianish course to correct the problem. I mean why should we be burdened with produce clerks who pull out some piece of exotic fruit when we ask for a mango or tolerate being asked for a stocking cap?
So here it is--Appalachian Greens' language test for prospective residents:
1) Is the word "creek" pronounced "creek" or "crik"?
2) A "mess" equals how much of something, as in a "mess of beans"?
3) To "take a gander" at something is to do what?
4) A soft drink is called: a) a soda or b) a pop
5) To be "a skeered" of something is to what?
6) Define a mango.
7) Define a poke.
8) Where is "over yonder"?
9) What condition is "fair to midland"?
10) To worsh is to what?
11) To reckon is to what?
12) Youins equals how many people?
13) "Around these parts" means where?
14) If something is "smack dab", where is it?
15) A toboggan is a what?
16) What does it mean to not "rightly know" something?
17) Define outcheer?
18) How much is "a mite"?
19) How long is "a spell" as in "stay for a spell"?
20) If you are "nekked", you missing what?

Answers here.


At 1:43 PM, Blogger CM Edwards said...

Thank you for the links. I'm glad you liked this piece.

For the record, I don't have any problems with outlanders, but I don't have any problem with Latin American people either and it really bothers me how people in this country act towards them. In essence, that's why I wrote this.


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